Monday, November 21, 2016

PEARLY GATES: ADMISSIONS DEPARTMENT


SAINT PETER (glancing at clipboard): Everything seems to be in order. You were responsible for a good many virtuous deeds, and — oh my. We have a problem. 

APPLICANT: If this is about texting while driving—

SAINT PETER: No, it’s not that. Do you have anything you want to tell me about 2016?

APPLICANT (surprised): Is this about the election? Whatever happened to the privacy of the ballot box?!

SAINT PETER (long stare)

APPLICANT: Well, obviously I didn’t know what was going to happen afterwards.

(Both of them cast their eyes downward. Landmasses like Florida and Bangladesh are covered by water. Radioactive glows emanate from metropolitan areas like Washington, D.C., Tehran, and Beijing.)

APPLICANT: At the time, I thought Trump was the ethically superior candidate.

SAINT PETER: You thought that a thin-skinned sexual predator who was married to a lingerie model was ‘ethically superior’ to a woman with bad email protocol?!
APPLICANT: Well, I believed he shared my political values.

SAINT PETER (flicks pages): But Trump was a proven pathological liar who was actively supported by a Russian dictator during the campaign. He appointed a white supremacist as his senior White House advisor. And my God, his stance on science and climate change—

*lightning flashes*

Sorry, Lord.

APPLICANT: I guess I was voting for change?

SAINT PETER (checking record): In 2016, you voted for career politicians on the party ticket in every other race. Help me understand: The economy was booming. President Obama had record approval ratings, and—ah, that’s it, isn’t it? You just wanted to stick a thumb in the Democrats’ collective eye at ANY cost, didn’t you?

APPLICANT (ashen-faced): Does this mean I’m going . . . somewhere else?

SAINT PETER (laughs): No, of course not! That’d only happen if you hadn’t voted at all. Here, walk with me to our waiting room. Now, tell me what you know about reincarnation . . .

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Poll: 54% of Republicans say that, "deep down," they are idiots.

Kidding! Actually, the poll found that 54% of Republicans say that, "deep down," President Barack Obama is a Muslim.

So it works out about the same either way.

Sunday, February 22, 2015

Today's Losers: ExxonMobil, James Inhofe, and Wei-Hock Soon

By now, you may have heard that leading climate change denier Wei-Hock Soon was paid more than $1.2 million by oil and gas companies like ExxonMobil, the New York Times reports.

And no, Wei-Hock Soon never revealed these ties.

According to the Times, Soon “has often appeared on conservative news programs, testified before Congress and in state capitals, and starred at conferences of people who deny the risks of global warming.”

As for climate-change denying Senator James Inhofe (R-OK) (chair of the Senate's Environment and Public Works committee), he’s continually cited Soon's work over the years. In reference to him, Inhofe said, "These are scientists that cannot be challenged."

Really, now?

http://www.nytimes.com/2015/02/22/us/ties-to-corporate-cash-for-climate-change-researcher-Wei-Hock-Soon.html

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker doesn't have a college degree?!

I did not know that. Here's what Walker said about those who'd criticize his impoverished academic background:

“That’s the kid of elitist, government-knows-best, top-down approach we’ve had for years. I’d rather have a fighter who’s proven he can take on the big government interests and win…"
Ha! Yes, that's what we need more of in government—undereducated people spoiling for a fight.

Monday, February 16, 2015

Saturday, February 14, 2015

Where do the GOP presidential nominees stand on evolution?

Jeb Bush: It should not be taught in schools. Former Gov. Mike Huckabee: Doesn’t buy it.
Ted Cruz: Won’t talk about it.
Chris Christie: “None of your business.”
Scott Walker: “I’m going to punt on that one . . . I love the evolution of trade in Wisconsin.”
Regarding that last one, Walker said that in London where his interviewer, Justin Webb of the BBC, said: “Any British politician, right or left wing, would laugh and say, ‘Yes, of course evolution is true.’”

Sister Ilia Delio (Georgetown) explains why the American religious right and the politicians who pander to them are so uniquely idiotic: “A lot of people just don’t know science. They don’t even know basic science. They don’t read anything from science, not even popular science magazines . . . it’s a half-brained understanding of things.”

Thursday, February 12, 2015

Ladies and Gentlemen—Rick Perry!

“Texas has been criticized for having a large number of uninsured but that’s what Texans wanted.”