SAINT PETER (glancing at clipboard): Everything seems to be
in order. You were responsible for a good many virtuous deeds, and — oh my. We
have a problem.
APPLICANT: If this is about texting while driving—
SAINT PETER: No, it’s not that. Do you have anything you
want to tell me about 2016?
APPLICANT (surprised): Is this about the election? Whatever
happened to the privacy of the ballot box?!
SAINT PETER (long stare)
APPLICANT: Well, obviously I didn’t know what was going to
happen afterwards.
(Both of them cast their eyes downward. Landmasses like
Florida and Bangladesh are covered by water. Radioactive glows emanate from
metropolitan areas like Washington, D.C., Tehran, and Beijing.)
APPLICANT: At the time, I thought Trump was the ethically
superior candidate.
SAINT PETER: You thought that a thin-skinned sexual predator
who was married to a lingerie model was ‘ethically superior’ to a woman with
bad email protocol?!
APPLICANT: Well, I believed he shared my political values.
SAINT PETER (flicks pages): But Trump was a proven
pathological liar who was actively supported by a Russian dictator during the
campaign. He appointed a white supremacist as his senior White House advisor.
And my God, his stance on science and climate change—
*lightning flashes*
Sorry, Lord.
APPLICANT: I guess I was voting for change?
SAINT PETER (checking record): In 2016, you voted for career
politicians on the party ticket in every other race. Help me understand: The
economy was booming. President Obama had record approval ratings, and—ah,
that’s it, isn’t it? You just wanted to stick a thumb in the Democrats’
collective eye at ANY cost, didn’t you?
APPLICANT (ashen-faced): Does this mean I’m going . . .
somewhere else?
SAINT PETER (laughs): No, of course not! That’d only happen
if you hadn’t voted at all. Here, walk with me to our waiting room. Now, tell me what you know about reincarnation . . .
